Post by isaacs on May 1, 2009 10:07:23 GMT 10
Circulating by email.
> Dear Promoter,
>
> Thank you for inviting me to play for you. I have been a professional
> musician since 1973 and have spent most of that time touring around
> the world as a
> solo artist.
>
> On the surface my job looks very glamorous, jetting around the globe and
> playing to thousands of adoring fans. But the reality is that it is
> hard work and
> very tiring having to deal with hectic travel schedules, crowded airports,
> lost baggage and Eastern European hotels. Giving Japanese press
> interviews while
> jet-lagged or hung-over are just some of the tortuous ordeals that can pay
> a
> heavy toll on an artist, both physically and mentally.
>
> However you can help me enormously by taking care of a few small, yet I
> hope
> not over-demanding, details. I would therefore like to request that the
> following items be available in my dressing room on my arrival. I
> would also like
> you to take a few minutes to read through other information on the
> following
> pages, as these details are very important to me.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Martin Taylor - Solo Guitarist
> --------------------------------------------
> RIDER
>
> MY DRESSING ROOM REQUIREMENTS:
>
> 1 Electric fan, 1 large white towel, 1 bottle of Italian red wine, 1
> bottle
> of still mineral water (not French), 1 plate of mixed sandwiches, 1
> banana, 1
> apple, 1 world band short-wave radio tuned to BBC World Service, 1 Racing
> Post
> or similar horse racing journal, 1 local map (outside UK)
> --------------------------------------------
> EXPLANATION OF THE ABOVE REQUIREMENTS:
>
> 1 Electric Fan.
> I am British and therefore not accustomed to temperatures over 38ºF.
>
> 1 Large white towel.
> This must be new, unused and white. I am a bit of a hygiene freak and like
> to
> make sure the towel doesn't have any dirt left on it from the last band.
>
> 1 Bottle of Italian red wine.
> I have high blood pressure and need to keep my blood thin to avoid a heart
> attack or stroke. I find Italian plonk to be the best precautionary
> medicine.
> The wine also comes in handy as I suffer from stage fright and need to get
> slightly plastered before going on stage to face my audience.
>
> 1 Bottle of still mineral water.
> This must not be French, for all the obvious reasons.
>
> 1 portable world band short-wave radio
> I enjoy the reassuring sounds of home and need the sound of an English
> voice
> to calm my pre-show nerves, so I would like a World Band Radio tuned to
> the
> BBC World Service to be playing on my arrival.
>
> N.B. The Voice Of America is not an acceptable alternative as the
> presenters' voices jangle my nerves, particularly when they mangle the
> English language with made-up bullshit words like "Normalcy",
> "Hospitalization", and "Self-describe-arotory-ization-al-ism". They also
> know
> sod-all about world affairs.
>
> 1 plate of sandwiches
> A selection of mixed carnivorous sandwiches plus 1 Banana and 1 Apple are
> all
> the solid fuel I need to give an artistic performance. Please do not be
> tempted to force upon me any local specialty foods. From my experience
> local
> delicacies only taste great to local people who have had years to
> acclimatise their
> tastebuds and build up a digestive system strong enough to deal with such
> fare. All they do to us foreigners is make us glop our brains out for the
> next
> three days.
>
> Please DO NOT include pretzels in the rider. There is absolutely no
> reason for anyone to eat this disgusting, vile, nutritionless garbage,
> unless
> they want to develop an enormous me and appear on the Jerry Springer Show
> with other fat-assed people.
>
> 1 up-to-date edition of THE RACING POST or similar outside of the UK.
> My youngest son is a jockey and I need to keep in contact with my bookie
> as I
> make more money as a gambler than I do as a jazz guitarist.
>
> 1 map of the local area.
> Most days I have absolutely no idea where I am, so I would like a local
> map
> covering a minimum 20 mile radius of my concert venue or hotel. In the UK
> please supply a 1:50 000 1 inch to 1 mile, sheet measurement 705 mm by
> 838 mm First
> Series Ordnance Survey Map available from Ordnance Survey, Romsey Road,
> Southampton, SO9 4DH. (Artist will supply own compass).
>
> In the USA please supply a U.S. Rand-McNally Road Atlas indicating all
> McDonald's, Arbys, KFC's, Wendy's, Howard Johnson's, and other crap
> eatinghouses to
> be avoided in the area.
>
> In Bangladesh I would just like to know where my mini-bar is located in my
> hotel room as I have absolutely no intention of going outside to have
> bricks and
> bottles thrown at me just because I'm white.
>
> The following item is optional:
> 1 life-size photograph of the US Bassist Eddie Gomez (3'7" high to
> scale) to remind me how lucky I am to be working solo.
>
> -----------------------------------------------
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> The following people should not be allowed backstage UNDER ANY
> CIRCUMSTANCES:
>
> Heavily tattooed relatives of mine with earrings, that arrive in a white
> Ford
> Transit Van towing a caravan with ladders on the roof, and go by the names
> of
> Dwayne, Wayne, Shane, Darren and Dino.
>
> Portly 60-year-old Englishmen who have never married, still live with
> their
> elderly mother, carry old vinyl records in a plastic bag from a back
> street
> specialist jazz record store, wear duffle coats, open-toed sandals
> with thick red
> socks, and like to discuss early Mezz Mezzrow outtakes for hours on end.
> These people are potentially dangerous and shouldn't be encouraged or
> left alone
> with small children.
>
> Anyone under 30 with a ponytail, wearing a MegaDeth, Iron Maiden,
> Metallica
> or Black Sabbath T-shirt and says "Totally awesome dude" to everything
> while
> playing an invisible guitar.
>
> Anyone over 30 with a ponytail, and wearing a Martin Taylor T-shirt
> circa 1993.
>
> Anyone with a ponytail.
>
> Australian women who wear their sunglasses on their heads and have voices
> that go up at the end of every sentence, thus making it "sound like a
> question?".
>
> Overdressed Frenchmen who wear their coats over their shoulders without
> putting their arms through the sleeves.
>
> People who claim to have gone to school with me despite being 25 years
> younger or older than me and coming from Estonia.
>
> Total strangers who I have never met before but still insist they gave
> me my f irst gig.
>
> Female singers who only sing SUMMERTIME.
>
> Male singers who can only sing LADY IS A TRAMP.
>
> Excessively happy Americans carrying Bibles.
>
> Depressed Welsh people.
>
> Smart-assed Cockneys.
>
> Scotsmen who give you knuckle-crunching handshakes and talk at you with
> their
> face one inch from yours, spitting slightly while doing so.
>
> Eddie Gomez can only come backstage if he knocks on my door three times,
> waits five minutes then fucks off.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------
> BUT the following people should be ENCOURAGED backstage:
>
>
>
> Guitarists' widows who would like to give me their late husband's mint
> condition 1942 D'Angelico New Yorker with original alligator case and
> valued at
> $150,000.
>
> Japanese people. They are very nice, respectful, clean, fun-loving
> people who buy my records by the truckload and like to give gifts to
> artists,
> usually bottles of deceptively clear fluid containing near-toxic levels of
> alcohol.
>
> Any jazz critic who has consistently given me undeserved bad reviews and
> has
> written personally offensive and untruthful things about me in the press,
> is
> very welcome backstage to share a glass or two of wine with me until
> Dwayne,
> Wayne, Shane, Darren and Dino show up to beat the crap out of him.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> NOTES FOR CAB AND LIMO DRIVERS
>
> If you are sending a driver to pick me up at the airport, it will save
> everybody time if I submit the following answers to the following
> questions that I know from years of experience he will inevitably ask me.
>
> To save me going through this tedious process every day of my life I
> enclose
> the full set of questions and answers. I would appreciate it if you could
> print out a copy of these answers and give them to the driver in advance.
> This should save me having to speak to him.
> Instead I will be pretending to be asleep in the back seat while listening
> to the BBC World Service on large industrial-strength headphones.
>
> The questions and answers vary slightly from country to country, so I
> enclose
> a few typical examples. Should your country not be included here, please
> contact my management, who will be happy to send you the relevant Q&A for
> your
> country. Please clearly state your country, airport of arrival, time
> of year, and
> whether the country happens to be hosting the World Cup or any other
> boring
> sporting event at the time. Please note that any attempt by the driver to
> engage me in a conversation about football or any other kind of sport,
> apart from horse racing, will be met with total silence.
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN THE USA
> Driver: Hey, where ya from, buddy?
> Martin: England.
> Driver: Wow, you speak pretty good English.
> Martin: Yes. Amazing, isn't it?
> Driver: I just love your Benny Hill, he cracks me up, totally kills
> me, man! I bet you're a big fan too.
> Martin: No, actually.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Your British humour just cracks me up. Ha! Ha! Ha!
> How come all you British guys are so funny?
> Martin: Perhaps because we live in a country where the food's crap and
> it rains all the time.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop it! Stop it! You're killin' me here! Wait
> 'til I tell the guys down at the bowling alley tonight the food's crap
> and it... uh, what was the other part?
> Martin: It rains all the time.
> Driver: Yeah, that's it. Ha! Ha! Ha! I see from the nametags on your
> bags you're a doctor, right? Dr. Taylor? A doctor of medicine, right?
> Martin: No, Islamic Fundamentalism, Third World Guerilla Warfare,
> Cuban Communism, and 21st Century Urban Terrorism. I graduated at the
> University of Tripoli last September.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop it you're crackin' me up. Ha! Ha! Ha! I
> see you got a guitar there Doc, what kind of guitar is it, six string?
> 12-string? Electric? Acoustic?
> Martin: I don't know. All I know is, some guy I never met before
> called Mohammed gave it to me at the JFK airport baggage claim. I have
> no idea what's in it.
> Driver: Uh-huh. (short pause) I bet they were celebrating in the
> streets of England when the Yankees won the World Series this year?
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
> DRIVERS IN ENGLAND
> Driver: Go on, give us a tune, mate! Go on!
> Martin: Certainly not.
> Driver: Oh go on! Tell me, straight up, are you any good?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: My bruvver's boy's fuckin' brilliant, could turn pro if he
> wanted. You should hear 'im on that fuckin' 'lectric guitar of 'is, 'e
> can make it fuckin' talk, 'e can. Can you make it fuckin' talk? Can
> ya, can ya?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: What kind of music d'ya play then? Rock? Country? Blues?
> Middle of the road?
> Martin: Jazz.
> Driver: Argh! tink me bandy, I can't stand jazz. No offence like, but
> it's just a fuckin' racket innit?
> Martin: Yes.
> Driver: Ever met anyone famous?
> Martin: Yes, Ronnie and Reggie Kray. They were my uncles.
> Driver: (after short silence) Did you watch the Arsenal play Spurs on
> Saturday?
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN SCOTLAND
> Driver: 'Ey pal, gi' us a wee tune!
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Go on, gi' us Ten Guitars! (Starts singing and dancing to
> hopefully encourage me)
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Did ya no see the Rangers-Celtic game on Saturday?
> Martin: No, I'm Jewish and I can't find a team to support in Glasgow.
> Driver: (Total silence from driver, who thinks I must be gay).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN HOLLAND
> Driver: I think maybe you would like very much to vishit a shmoking
> café for de cannabish shigarettes, no? Den go on to a whorehoush for
> shum shex wid our
> big Dutch gurlsh?
> Martin: No thanks.
> Driver: But you are a guitarisht no?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Den what is in de guitar caysh?
> Martin: Canadian soft porn.
> Driver: Argh! Dishgushting! Canadian shoft porn, it should be banned!
> Martin: Yeah, you can't see any action at all, it's all censored out.
> Driver: Shtop dish or I call de poleesh. I feel shick. Did you watch
> de shocker on TV lasht night? It vosh Ajaksh againsht Inter Milan.
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN ITALY
> No Q&A necessary here as I never have time to speak in Italy, being
> too busy soiling my pants in sheer terror in the back seat while the
> driver hurls us
> along narrow roads and overhanging cliff-tops while telling me how
> many women he shagged last night.
>
> Driver: Hey, you watcha the footaballa lasta night? You-vay versus
> Napoli? What wassa da score? I-a meese evrytheeng as I wassa beezy
> shagging.
> Martin: (Total silence, teeth clenched).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN AUSTRALIA
> This is never a problem, since for some reason no driver in Australia
> speaks any English and I do not speak Greek or Vietnamese.
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> REQUESTS FOR TUNES
>
>
>
> As a professional musician for nearly 30 years I have worked very hard
> on building up a list of great tunes written by the finest composers
> in the world.
> I have also learnt how to make up a varied and well balanced programme
> by playing these tunes in a running order that is both interesting and
> entertaining
> for the listener.
>
> Please therefore note that I do not play any of the following tunes:
> SUMMERTIME (with or without local female singer)
> LADY IS A TRAMP (with or without local male singer)
> TEN GUITARS
> STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
> CAVATINA
> Any songs by CHRIS deBURGH or RICHARD CLAYDERMAN.
>
>
>
> Please do not screw up my gig by making me play any of these. I will
> however be happy to play any composition by Andrew Lloyd Webber with a
> running time
> not exceeding 1 min 15 sec on the condition that the person requesting
> it wires 25 million dollars directly into my Swiss bank account. This
> will (only
> partially) compensate for the emotional stress and loss of street-cred
> I will suffer from playing such tripe.
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> LATE-NIGHT JAMS
>
> Please do not under any circumstances ask me to bring my guitar along
> to a late-night jam session after my concert, as I do not enjoy
> backing the bar
> owner's wife while she sings SUMMERTIME at 3 o'clock in the morning.
>
> Thanks for your cooperation. I look forward to a great gig.
>
> Dear Promoter,
>
> Thank you for inviting me to play for you. I have been a professional
> musician since 1973 and have spent most of that time touring around
> the world as a
> solo artist.
>
> On the surface my job looks very glamorous, jetting around the globe and
> playing to thousands of adoring fans. But the reality is that it is
> hard work and
> very tiring having to deal with hectic travel schedules, crowded airports,
> lost baggage and Eastern European hotels. Giving Japanese press
> interviews while
> jet-lagged or hung-over are just some of the tortuous ordeals that can pay
> a
> heavy toll on an artist, both physically and mentally.
>
> However you can help me enormously by taking care of a few small, yet I
> hope
> not over-demanding, details. I would therefore like to request that the
> following items be available in my dressing room on my arrival. I
> would also like
> you to take a few minutes to read through other information on the
> following
> pages, as these details are very important to me.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Martin Taylor - Solo Guitarist
> --------------------------------------------
> RIDER
>
> MY DRESSING ROOM REQUIREMENTS:
>
> 1 Electric fan, 1 large white towel, 1 bottle of Italian red wine, 1
> bottle
> of still mineral water (not French), 1 plate of mixed sandwiches, 1
> banana, 1
> apple, 1 world band short-wave radio tuned to BBC World Service, 1 Racing
> Post
> or similar horse racing journal, 1 local map (outside UK)
> --------------------------------------------
> EXPLANATION OF THE ABOVE REQUIREMENTS:
>
> 1 Electric Fan.
> I am British and therefore not accustomed to temperatures over 38ºF.
>
> 1 Large white towel.
> This must be new, unused and white. I am a bit of a hygiene freak and like
> to
> make sure the towel doesn't have any dirt left on it from the last band.
>
> 1 Bottle of Italian red wine.
> I have high blood pressure and need to keep my blood thin to avoid a heart
> attack or stroke. I find Italian plonk to be the best precautionary
> medicine.
> The wine also comes in handy as I suffer from stage fright and need to get
> slightly plastered before going on stage to face my audience.
>
> 1 Bottle of still mineral water.
> This must not be French, for all the obvious reasons.
>
> 1 portable world band short-wave radio
> I enjoy the reassuring sounds of home and need the sound of an English
> voice
> to calm my pre-show nerves, so I would like a World Band Radio tuned to
> the
> BBC World Service to be playing on my arrival.
>
> N.B. The Voice Of America is not an acceptable alternative as the
> presenters' voices jangle my nerves, particularly when they mangle the
> English language with made-up bullshit words like "Normalcy",
> "Hospitalization", and "Self-describe-arotory-ization-al-ism". They also
> know
> sod-all about world affairs.
>
> 1 plate of sandwiches
> A selection of mixed carnivorous sandwiches plus 1 Banana and 1 Apple are
> all
> the solid fuel I need to give an artistic performance. Please do not be
> tempted to force upon me any local specialty foods. From my experience
> local
> delicacies only taste great to local people who have had years to
> acclimatise their
> tastebuds and build up a digestive system strong enough to deal with such
> fare. All they do to us foreigners is make us glop our brains out for the
> next
> three days.
>
> Please DO NOT include pretzels in the rider. There is absolutely no
> reason for anyone to eat this disgusting, vile, nutritionless garbage,
> unless
> they want to develop an enormous me and appear on the Jerry Springer Show
> with other fat-assed people.
>
> 1 up-to-date edition of THE RACING POST or similar outside of the UK.
> My youngest son is a jockey and I need to keep in contact with my bookie
> as I
> make more money as a gambler than I do as a jazz guitarist.
>
> 1 map of the local area.
> Most days I have absolutely no idea where I am, so I would like a local
> map
> covering a minimum 20 mile radius of my concert venue or hotel. In the UK
> please supply a 1:50 000 1 inch to 1 mile, sheet measurement 705 mm by
> 838 mm First
> Series Ordnance Survey Map available from Ordnance Survey, Romsey Road,
> Southampton, SO9 4DH. (Artist will supply own compass).
>
> In the USA please supply a U.S. Rand-McNally Road Atlas indicating all
> McDonald's, Arbys, KFC's, Wendy's, Howard Johnson's, and other crap
> eatinghouses to
> be avoided in the area.
>
> In Bangladesh I would just like to know where my mini-bar is located in my
> hotel room as I have absolutely no intention of going outside to have
> bricks and
> bottles thrown at me just because I'm white.
>
> The following item is optional:
> 1 life-size photograph of the US Bassist Eddie Gomez (3'7" high to
> scale) to remind me how lucky I am to be working solo.
>
> -----------------------------------------------
> PLEASE NOTE:
>
> The following people should not be allowed backstage UNDER ANY
> CIRCUMSTANCES:
>
> Heavily tattooed relatives of mine with earrings, that arrive in a white
> Ford
> Transit Van towing a caravan with ladders on the roof, and go by the names
> of
> Dwayne, Wayne, Shane, Darren and Dino.
>
> Portly 60-year-old Englishmen who have never married, still live with
> their
> elderly mother, carry old vinyl records in a plastic bag from a back
> street
> specialist jazz record store, wear duffle coats, open-toed sandals
> with thick red
> socks, and like to discuss early Mezz Mezzrow outtakes for hours on end.
> These people are potentially dangerous and shouldn't be encouraged or
> left alone
> with small children.
>
> Anyone under 30 with a ponytail, wearing a MegaDeth, Iron Maiden,
> Metallica
> or Black Sabbath T-shirt and says "Totally awesome dude" to everything
> while
> playing an invisible guitar.
>
> Anyone over 30 with a ponytail, and wearing a Martin Taylor T-shirt
> circa 1993.
>
> Anyone with a ponytail.
>
> Australian women who wear their sunglasses on their heads and have voices
> that go up at the end of every sentence, thus making it "sound like a
> question?".
>
> Overdressed Frenchmen who wear their coats over their shoulders without
> putting their arms through the sleeves.
>
> People who claim to have gone to school with me despite being 25 years
> younger or older than me and coming from Estonia.
>
> Total strangers who I have never met before but still insist they gave
> me my f irst gig.
>
> Female singers who only sing SUMMERTIME.
>
> Male singers who can only sing LADY IS A TRAMP.
>
> Excessively happy Americans carrying Bibles.
>
> Depressed Welsh people.
>
> Smart-assed Cockneys.
>
> Scotsmen who give you knuckle-crunching handshakes and talk at you with
> their
> face one inch from yours, spitting slightly while doing so.
>
> Eddie Gomez can only come backstage if he knocks on my door three times,
> waits five minutes then fucks off.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------
> BUT the following people should be ENCOURAGED backstage:
>
>
>
> Guitarists' widows who would like to give me their late husband's mint
> condition 1942 D'Angelico New Yorker with original alligator case and
> valued at
> $150,000.
>
> Japanese people. They are very nice, respectful, clean, fun-loving
> people who buy my records by the truckload and like to give gifts to
> artists,
> usually bottles of deceptively clear fluid containing near-toxic levels of
> alcohol.
>
> Any jazz critic who has consistently given me undeserved bad reviews and
> has
> written personally offensive and untruthful things about me in the press,
> is
> very welcome backstage to share a glass or two of wine with me until
> Dwayne,
> Wayne, Shane, Darren and Dino show up to beat the crap out of him.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> NOTES FOR CAB AND LIMO DRIVERS
>
> If you are sending a driver to pick me up at the airport, it will save
> everybody time if I submit the following answers to the following
> questions that I know from years of experience he will inevitably ask me.
>
> To save me going through this tedious process every day of my life I
> enclose
> the full set of questions and answers. I would appreciate it if you could
> print out a copy of these answers and give them to the driver in advance.
> This should save me having to speak to him.
> Instead I will be pretending to be asleep in the back seat while listening
> to the BBC World Service on large industrial-strength headphones.
>
> The questions and answers vary slightly from country to country, so I
> enclose
> a few typical examples. Should your country not be included here, please
> contact my management, who will be happy to send you the relevant Q&A for
> your
> country. Please clearly state your country, airport of arrival, time
> of year, and
> whether the country happens to be hosting the World Cup or any other
> boring
> sporting event at the time. Please note that any attempt by the driver to
> engage me in a conversation about football or any other kind of sport,
> apart from horse racing, will be met with total silence.
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN THE USA
> Driver: Hey, where ya from, buddy?
> Martin: England.
> Driver: Wow, you speak pretty good English.
> Martin: Yes. Amazing, isn't it?
> Driver: I just love your Benny Hill, he cracks me up, totally kills
> me, man! I bet you're a big fan too.
> Martin: No, actually.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Your British humour just cracks me up. Ha! Ha! Ha!
> How come all you British guys are so funny?
> Martin: Perhaps because we live in a country where the food's crap and
> it rains all the time.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop it! Stop it! You're killin' me here! Wait
> 'til I tell the guys down at the bowling alley tonight the food's crap
> and it... uh, what was the other part?
> Martin: It rains all the time.
> Driver: Yeah, that's it. Ha! Ha! Ha! I see from the nametags on your
> bags you're a doctor, right? Dr. Taylor? A doctor of medicine, right?
> Martin: No, Islamic Fundamentalism, Third World Guerilla Warfare,
> Cuban Communism, and 21st Century Urban Terrorism. I graduated at the
> University of Tripoli last September.
> Driver: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop it you're crackin' me up. Ha! Ha! Ha! I
> see you got a guitar there Doc, what kind of guitar is it, six string?
> 12-string? Electric? Acoustic?
> Martin: I don't know. All I know is, some guy I never met before
> called Mohammed gave it to me at the JFK airport baggage claim. I have
> no idea what's in it.
> Driver: Uh-huh. (short pause) I bet they were celebrating in the
> streets of England when the Yankees won the World Series this year?
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
> DRIVERS IN ENGLAND
> Driver: Go on, give us a tune, mate! Go on!
> Martin: Certainly not.
> Driver: Oh go on! Tell me, straight up, are you any good?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: My bruvver's boy's fuckin' brilliant, could turn pro if he
> wanted. You should hear 'im on that fuckin' 'lectric guitar of 'is, 'e
> can make it fuckin' talk, 'e can. Can you make it fuckin' talk? Can
> ya, can ya?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: What kind of music d'ya play then? Rock? Country? Blues?
> Middle of the road?
> Martin: Jazz.
> Driver: Argh! tink me bandy, I can't stand jazz. No offence like, but
> it's just a fuckin' racket innit?
> Martin: Yes.
> Driver: Ever met anyone famous?
> Martin: Yes, Ronnie and Reggie Kray. They were my uncles.
> Driver: (after short silence) Did you watch the Arsenal play Spurs on
> Saturday?
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN SCOTLAND
> Driver: 'Ey pal, gi' us a wee tune!
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Go on, gi' us Ten Guitars! (Starts singing and dancing to
> hopefully encourage me)
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Did ya no see the Rangers-Celtic game on Saturday?
> Martin: No, I'm Jewish and I can't find a team to support in Glasgow.
> Driver: (Total silence from driver, who thinks I must be gay).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN HOLLAND
> Driver: I think maybe you would like very much to vishit a shmoking
> café for de cannabish shigarettes, no? Den go on to a whorehoush for
> shum shex wid our
> big Dutch gurlsh?
> Martin: No thanks.
> Driver: But you are a guitarisht no?
> Martin: No.
> Driver: Den what is in de guitar caysh?
> Martin: Canadian soft porn.
> Driver: Argh! Dishgushting! Canadian shoft porn, it should be banned!
> Martin: Yeah, you can't see any action at all, it's all censored out.
> Driver: Shtop dish or I call de poleesh. I feel shick. Did you watch
> de shocker on TV lasht night? It vosh Ajaksh againsht Inter Milan.
> Martin: (Total silence).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN ITALY
> No Q&A necessary here as I never have time to speak in Italy, being
> too busy soiling my pants in sheer terror in the back seat while the
> driver hurls us
> along narrow roads and overhanging cliff-tops while telling me how
> many women he shagged last night.
>
> Driver: Hey, you watcha the footaballa lasta night? You-vay versus
> Napoli? What wassa da score? I-a meese evrytheeng as I wassa beezy
> shagging.
> Martin: (Total silence, teeth clenched).
>
>
>
> DRIVERS IN AUSTRALIA
> This is never a problem, since for some reason no driver in Australia
> speaks any English and I do not speak Greek or Vietnamese.
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> REQUESTS FOR TUNES
>
>
>
> As a professional musician for nearly 30 years I have worked very hard
> on building up a list of great tunes written by the finest composers
> in the world.
> I have also learnt how to make up a varied and well balanced programme
> by playing these tunes in a running order that is both interesting and
> entertaining
> for the listener.
>
> Please therefore note that I do not play any of the following tunes:
> SUMMERTIME (with or without local female singer)
> LADY IS A TRAMP (with or without local male singer)
> TEN GUITARS
> STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
> CAVATINA
> Any songs by CHRIS deBURGH or RICHARD CLAYDERMAN.
>
>
>
> Please do not screw up my gig by making me play any of these. I will
> however be happy to play any composition by Andrew Lloyd Webber with a
> running time
> not exceeding 1 min 15 sec on the condition that the person requesting
> it wires 25 million dollars directly into my Swiss bank account. This
> will (only
> partially) compensate for the emotional stress and loss of street-cred
> I will suffer from playing such tripe.
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> LATE-NIGHT JAMS
>
> Please do not under any circumstances ask me to bring my guitar along
> to a late-night jam session after my concert, as I do not enjoy
> backing the bar
> owner's wife while she sings SUMMERTIME at 3 o'clock in the morning.
>
> Thanks for your cooperation. I look forward to a great gig.
>