Help!

[confused]

Dear Friends,

I am an Airman stationed at Lackland AFB. My parents
live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my
sisters, who lives in Benson Hurst, is married to a
transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been
arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are
currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in
1994, the other currently being held in the
Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his daughter.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still
a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her
time there is limited, as she has recently been
infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are
currently looking into the possibility of opening our
own brothel, with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of
the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my
two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, at least it would get them off the streets
and, hopefully, the heroin.

I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into
the family. Of course, I want to be totally honest
with her, so, my problem is this:

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a jazz
musician?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[VHB]

Best laugh of the day, thank YOU!

[Kenny]

Hey - this one slipped by me. Good one!

[old but good]

aren't they always the best?

here are some more almost-counts anyway as there is Jazz festival at the same time and jazz musicians are often very funny people.



One liners from the Edinburgh Comedy Festival

Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died ..... Surely Dido's looking a
bit worried. (Colin & Fergus)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child .. well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night. (Susan Murray)

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He
looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go. (Eddie Bannon)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks? (Adam Bloom)

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. (Susan Murray)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we won't get much done." (Jimmy Carr)

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called
jail. (Colin Ramone)

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't
work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said:
"Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I
look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she
checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but
unfortunately, it's you." (Karl Spain)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke)

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs. (Patrick Monahan)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well. (Scott Capurro)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. (Jimmy Carr)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Damn, I wasn't listening .....
Self-raising?" (Addy Van-Der-Borgh)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into MacDonalds
and punched someone in the face. (Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan
Mersh)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. (Jimmy
Carr)

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked. (Shazia Mirza)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
girl out of Cork ..... (Markus Birdman)

A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you
haven't gained that part. (Carsten Bang)

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad
players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was
no one looking for space. (Rhod Gilbert)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax. (Adrian Poynton)