69 best quotes of all time (really)

[isaacs]

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West -
I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me.". - Garry Shandling -
My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time. - Jonathan Katz -
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. - Joan Rivers -
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben -
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. - Emo Philips -
I was going to buy myself a copy of The Power Of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do me?. - Ronnie Shakes -
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. - George Miller -
Never mistake endurance for hospitality. - Unknown -
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. - Unknown -
Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other on its tail, the cow was milked by a lawyer. - Jewish proverb -
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. - Mark Twain -
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. - Will Rogers -
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. - Unknown -
All critics ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. - Unknown -
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. - T. S. Eliot -
Biography lends to death a new terror. - Oscar Wilde -
Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little. - Gore Vidal -
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. - Sir Barnett Cocks -
Analyzing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies. - E. B. White -
Only dead fish swim with the stream. - Unknown -
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. - Heinrich Heine -
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte -
Mediocre composers borrow. Great composers steal. - Igor Stravinsky -
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. - Paul Valery -
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer -
Sex is dirty only when it's done right. - Woody Allen -
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. - Tommy Manville -
I can't mate in captivity. - Gloria Steinem on why she never married -
You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court. - Norman Mailer -
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield -
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. It begins when the last kid leaves home and the dog dies. - Unknown -
Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your midsection unprotected. - Robert Orben -
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. - Henry Kissenger -
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen -
I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol -
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. - Artemus Ward -
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.. - Steven Wright -
Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. - Oliver Herford -
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. - Flannery O'Conner -
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. - Christopher Hampton
A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery -
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky -
No statue has ever been put up to a critic. - Jean Sibelius -
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. - Kenneth Tynan -
The dead actor requested in his will that his body be cremated and ten percent of his ashes thrown in his agent's face. - Unknown -
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee -
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. - Jim Samuels -
Dyslexics of the world, untie! - Unknown -
Jesus is coming. Look busy. - Bumper sticker -
Get busy. Remember that even a mosquito doesn't get a pat on the back until he starts working. - Unknown -
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." - Ronnie Shakes -
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. - Winston Churchill -
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. - George Orwell -
He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. - Fred Allen -
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones -
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake -
Computers are useless. All they give you is answers. - Pablo Picasso -
Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby -
Music is more than melody, rhythm, and harmony; it's music. - Guisseppe Verdi
Know your own bone; gnaw at it; bury it; unearth it; and gnaw it still. - Henry David Thoreau -
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde -
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ...But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain -
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey -
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin -
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfeld -
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. - Steven Wright -
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - Steven Wright -
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? - Steven Wright -

[v H b]

only 69?

Some great one liners there. I think Gloria, Igor, Lilly, Woody and Andy Warhol were the funniest.

[happy maybe a litle grumpy]

isaacs said:

America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair. - Arnold Toynbee -
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him. - Jim Samuels -

The US? Friendly? not in my lifetime...how is it that Americans are able to be even more blind to the follies of their military regime than anyone else? I just heard George W on telly warning Iran that they are in breach of international law, but I seem to remember that the nation in breach of more UN resolutions than anyone else is the goood ol' USA.

Yes, I know it's a joke, but come on!

[v h b]

Does someone need a hug?

[Kenny]

Scoop Me Up And Kiss Me!

[Not me]

Kenny you are making me blush! But I like you!

[Uncle Bob]

here's the best one liner i ever heard

Any man who believes he is more intelligent than his wife is married to a very clever woman

cant remember who said it

sorry

[Smooth]

"Rock and Roll is to music what the comic book is to Literature"

Isn't "down to earth" as low as you can go?

[bud]

ok its long but the words are gr8

u need 2 read pst the 1st verse 2 get 2 the gud bits

One evening as the sun went down
And the jungle fires were burning,
Down the track came a hobo hiking,
And he said, "Boys, I'm not turning
I'm headed for a land that's far away
Besides the crystal fountains
So come with me, we'll go and see
The Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
There's a land that's fair and bright,
Where the handouts grow on bushes
And you sleep out every night.
Where the boxcars all are empty
And the sun shines every day
And the birds and the bees
And the cigarette trees
The lemonade springs
Where the bluebird sings
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
All the cops have wooden legs
And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs
The farmers' trees are full of fruit
And the barns are full of hay
Oh I'm bound to go
Where there ain't no snow
Where the rain don't fall
The winds don't blow
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol
Come trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats
And the railway bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew
And of whiskey too
You can paddle all around it
In a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains,
The jails are made of tin.
And you can walk right out again,
As soon as you are in.
There ain't no short-handled shovels,
No axes, saws nor picks,
I'm bound to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they hung the jerk
That invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains