Post by jacques on Feb 27, 2004 13:48:40 GMT 10
Most of these SUCK but hey it is better than nothin' 
MUSICIANS & MONEY
How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?
By starting out with two million dollars.
A jazz musician who won a million dollars on the national lottery is interviewed by a newspaper reporter.
Reporter: Congratulations on winning the first prize. By the way, what do you do for a living?
Musician: I'm a jazz musician.
Reporter: Now that you have a million dollars, what are you going to do with all that money?
Musician: I guess I'll carry on working until the money runs out.
Bassist: Man, I went up into the mountains for three whole months to practice.
Pianist: Oh yeah? So what did you practice?
Bassist: The first month I practised quarter notes and eighth notes. The second month I only practised sixteenth notes. And I spent the whole of the third month practising thirty second notes.
Piano player: Wow! A whole month only thirty second notes. That's amazing!
Bassist: Yeah, right. Listen, I'll let you hear one. Tonk!
The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one."
He leadeth me to the right repeats
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps,
I will fear no train wrecks;
For Thou art with me;
Thy ride and Thy snare,
They comfort me.
Thou setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists;
Thou annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.
Surely good feel and swing will follow me
All the tunes of each set;
And I will dwell in the pocket
The whole gig long.
!
How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
How do you stop a drummer drowning?
A jazz big band drummer standing for the first time in front of the Niagara falls was heard to exclaim 'At last, fortissimo!'
What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up frills and a flutist f---s up trills.
SAXOPHONE / CLARINET
You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.
What do you call a saxophonist who plays mostly 1/64 notes?
A ballad-specialist.
.
Why don't sax players like playing soprano? There's no place to hide your drugs.
How do you know there's a girl singer as a patient on the intensive care unit?
She's the only one that asks for more echo on the monitor.
A jazz musician goes to heaven and is delighted to see that paradise is full of jazz musicians. All the greatest jazz players are to be found there. But to his surprise he notices that everybody is looking extremely miserable. Curious, he approaches one of the musicians and asks him what the problem is.
'Everybody is depressed because the jam session is about to start', he replied.
'Are you serious?' asks the new arrival in astonishment, 'You've got the greatest players in the history of jazz up here and you guys are depressed because the jam session is about to start. you've got to be kidding'.
'Man, it's obvious you're a new cat up here and you haven't heard the bad news yet.'
'Bad news? In heaven? What bad news?' asks the newcomer.
The musician gave a sigh, 'God's girlfriend is a singer!' he groaned.
A piano player is rehearsing the female singer of the band:
Trombone
How does a trombone compare to a trumpet?
A trombone is to trumpet as the Hindenberg is to the space shuttle. Slower, meandering, out-of-date, overinflated, full of hot air, and known to go down in flames when there's a big audience.
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1. Vibrato.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in it, running off the side of a cliff?
You could have fit more trombones in it.
How do you kow if there's a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags.
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.
What is the difference between a dead chicken in the middle of the road and a dead bass trombone player in the middle of the road?
The chicken was on its way to a gig.
TRUMPET
What are trumpets made out of?
Leftover saxophone parts.
How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a ‘tuba glue'.
Definition of an oboe: An ill wind that no one blows good.
Many people don't know that the great American composer George Gershwin loved computers. But his brother, Ira, hated them. That is why Ira took all of George's songs and changed the titles and words. The original titles include: I Got Algorithm, They Can't Take That Array From Me, I Got Plenty O' Debuggin' The Mainframe I Love, A Foggy Database, Our Love Is Here, To Stack Softwaretime and, of course, the all-time classic: Rhapsody In Boolean.
What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A flat major.
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!
What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
What is God's favourite chord?
G sus.
How do you get a guitarist to play quietly?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
How do you get a flute player to play quietly?
Take the music away.
What is the definition of counterpoint?
Two guitarists reading the same chart.
What chord do you get when the elevator in a mine shaft crashes to the ground?
A flat minor!
A jazz musician goes to audition for a job playing in a broadway musical.
Orchestra leader: Can you read music?
Jazz musician: Not enough to hurt my playing.
What is the jazz musician's rule for crossing the road?
C sharp or b flat.
What is the difference between a good big band leader and a bad one?
A good leader has the chart in his head, a bad leader has his head in the chart.
A spiritual medium made contact with Jesus and Charlie Parker to ask if they had a message for mankind.
Jesus said, 'Pray.' Bird said, 'Play!'.
Customer: How late does the band play?
Band leader: About half a beat behind the drummer.
A tourist in new york approaches a jazz musician who is standing outside a jazz club scat singing, finger popping, while watching the world go by through dark tinted glasses:
Tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?
Jazz musician: Practise man, practise!
A young piano student approaches an experienced jazz pianist in a club.
Student: pardon me sir, but could you give me a tip on how to become a better jazz pianist?
Veteran: Sure son. During the break make sure you hold your beer in your left hand.
!
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but nobody will watch him !
How do you get a violist to play 'piano e tremuloso' ?
Mark the passage "solo."
An accordionist is on his way home from a late-night gig. He decides he shouldstop and get some coffee to stay awake for his trip. So he finds a 24-hourdiner along the road, pulls in, parks and locks his car, and starts walking tothe front door. Suddenly he says, "Oh, my God, the accordion." So he turns andraces back to his car, but when he gets there it's too late. Someone has smashed in the back window and thrown in two more accordions.!
What are the chords to John Coltrane's 'Mr P.C.' ?
Cm7 - Shift F7
What is the difference between a dead hedgehog in the middle of the road and a dead banjo player in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the hedgehog.
A barman in a jazz club accidentaly knocks over a stack of empty beer glasses that fall to the ground with a deafening crash. One of the band relaxing at the bar calmly turns to him and says: 'Please man, no free jazz in this club'.
Customer: Can you play something we can dance to?
Band leader: Why don't you dance something we can play to.
What is the ideal weight of a big band leader?
About 1 kilo, including the urn!
A jazz musician goes to heaven and is astonished to see how many great players from the jazz hall of fame are there. Bix, Duke, Lester, Bird, Dizzy, 'Trane etc. The new arrival notices that there is someone in the corner playing the trumpet with his head down and his back turned towards the others. Thinking that it reminds him of someone famous , the curious musician asks St. Peter.
Musician: Who is that playing the trumpet in the corner?
St.Peter: Oh that's God. He thinks he's Miles Davis!
What was the last tune the band on the 'Titanic' played before the ship hit the iceberg and sank?
'I Only Have Ice For You'.
What is the difference between the bankrupt record company E.M.I. and the 'Titanic'?
The 'Titanic' had a good band.
Two beboppers are listening to the Thelonious Monk Quartet. After a great solo by tenor sax man Charlie Rouse, Monk just sits at the piano staring at the keyboard without playing. One of the beboppers continues moving his head to the beat and clicking his fingers in an extasy of appreciation while Monk sits at the piano motionless. 'Hey man,' says the other 'What' are you so ecited about? Monk hasn't played a note.'
'I know,' replies the first, 'But man, dig what he's thinking!'